Alive: The Drew Robinson Story

Disclaimer: This piece includes information on suicide attempt. If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts or is in emotional distress, contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or at suicidepreventiononline.org

“I’m meant to be alive.” That’s what Drew Robinson responded when asked why he was unsuccessful in committing suicide.

Robinson, a current player in the San Francisco Giants organization, attempted suicide on April 16, 2020 via gunshot in his home in Las Vegas, Nevada. Now, he’s making a return to professional baseball, except this time, he’ll be playing without his right eye.

“Alive: The Drew Robinson Story” is an hour-long ESPN documentary that covers Robinson’s journey throughout the minor leagues, his mental and emotional turmoil and the aftermath that ensued after Robinson’s suicide attempt.

Please note that this documentary includes footage of 9-1-1 calls, gory images and continuous references to suicide and therefore is not recommended for audiences who are sensitive to any material of that nature.

However, aside from the aforementioned, ESPN did a fantastic job of producing a documentary which depicts the hardships that come with mental illness, depression and performance anxiety without delving too close and personal into Robinson’s life. Granted Robinson did in fact speak on some instances of his personal life, but needless to say, the documentary gave the impression that both Robinson and ESPN formed a unique partnership to discuss and raise awareness for a topic that seems to be constantly swept under the rug: mental health among professional athletes.

It’s often easy to forget that professional athletes are regular human beings, and as such, are prone to suffer from sickness, injuries and mental illness. Robinson was no exception. But before we delve deeper into his inner turmoil, it’s important to note that baseball wasn’t always Robinson’s antagonist, in fact, for a great portion of his life, it was his escape.

Baseball as Therapy

As a child, baseball served as a therapeutic distraction for Robinson. His parents’ marriage was ‘dysfunctional’ as he described it, and they constantly argued. However, baseball seemed the one concept that united Robinson’s family, for better or for worse. The baseball field served as a haven from all the family drama and provided Robinson with a competitive outlet.

Eventually, Robinson developed into a talented high school prospect and in 2010, was drafted in the fourth round by the Texas Rangers. As a versatile, sweet-swinging left-handed hitter, Robinson amazed scouts with his power and his athleticism. However, while he had the physical tools and the makeup of a Major League player, the hardships that come with professional baseball were taking a serious toll on his mental health.

Baseball as a Job, a Grind

As an outsider, it can be difficult to acknowledge just how difficult it is for a player to reach the Major League level. Most of us just see the flashiness and the stardom of the MLB, but tend to ignore the grind and the struggles that come with being a Minor League player.

Robinson briefly alluded to ‘the Grind’ of the Minors by stating that sometimes he would play roughly a month without a day off. While playing baseball every day sounds like an enviable gig, it’s worth noting that there’s more to professional baseball than playing the game of baseball. There’s the constant traveling, living out of a suitcase in subpar hotels, eating cheap fast food and let’s not forget the limited wages. On top of that, players are expected to train and perform at a high level. The quality of life for a Minor Leaguer isn’t always as flashy and exciting as it may sound. Call it what you may, but the road to “The Show” isn’t easy, it’s a grind that takes a toll on players’ mental and emotional health.

For Robinson, the constant grind, the self-induced performance anxiety and the constant desire to achieve perfectionism ultimately blocked his mind and with it, his innate physical talent.

Creating Your Own Perspective

“Your mind is your servant and you are its master.” That’s the phrase that Robinson constantly repeated throughout the documentary. As a young player, Robinson always desired to achieve perfectionism. However, in a game like baseball, which is rooted in failure, perfectionism simply is unattainable. At the time, Robinson’s obsession with perfectionism ultimately altered his perspective toward that of self-doubt, negative self-talk and lack of self-love. The latter, unfortunately proved to be the motivating factor behind his suicide attempt.

Now, Robinson has altered his perspective and realized that his perfectionism wasn’t real, and that it was all just in his mind. This isn’t to say that Robinson doesn’t still have instances of self-doubt, bouts with depression or suicidal thoughts, but rather by altering his perspective, Robinson is better equipped to combat any sign of relapse.

Looking Ahead

While his mental health may have put his professional career on hold for awhile Robinson now has made his official return to baseball in his hometown with the Las Vegas Aviators, the Giants’ Triple A affiliate.

Robinson’s new motto is “take it day by day,” and his new attitude has allowed him to appreciate other things in his life beyond baseball. Before, baseball consumed Robinson’s identity and priorities. Now, he has learned to value the importance of family, friends and mental health.

Though he may have lost his right eye, Robinson gained a new perspective and with it a new life. As Robinson mentioned, he is meant to be alive.